Worse Than Snow Globes
by Kkarrie
Summary: I didn't wake up this morning to die by falling off the roof of the local CostCo Written for the Whumpathon Challenge on Psychfic.


_ Today was one of those days where nothing was going to go right. From the moment Lassiter's feet touched the ground and felt the wetness of the water on his floor that had leaked from the upstairs apartment, to the discovery of his upstairs neighbor wrapped in a shower curtain and lying in an overflowing bathtub, Lassiter knew this day would suck. He placed a call in to 911. It took all of his police training for him not to soak up all the water before it completely ruined the carpeting in his own bedroom. O'Hara was the first officer to the scene, dragging McNab behind her. When she had heard her partner's address on the dispatch, she hurried to the scene expecting the worst. It took Lassiter a few minutes to convince O'Hara that he was alright and then another ten to get her to stop laughing at the sight of him in his sweatpants, t-shirt and bare feet. After taking his statement O'Hara sent Lassiter upstairs to change into real clothes. By the time Lassiter got back downstairs Spencer and Guster were there._

"_Get the Hell out of my crime scene," He snapped at them. The chief, who had also arrived, gently grabbed his arm and pulled him off to the side._

"_Carlton, because you called this in, I can't allow you to take point on this case." She explained. Lassiter started to object. "O'Hara is leading the investigation and she wants the help of Spencer. I suggest you ask her what to do." The chief gave Lassiter an 'I mean it look' and then headed for the door. _

That had been this morning. Now as Lassiter looked back, that morning had been the highlight of his day.

"Whatcha thinking about Lassifrass?" Shawn Spencer's voice broke into Lassiter's reminiscence. Lassiter turned his head to the side and glared daggers at the psychic.

"I was thinking about how great my life was this morning, before I ended up tied to a bunch of shopping carts on the roof of the local CostCo." Lassiter snapped. Shawn looked around at their predicament. They were tied and duct taped on top of a couple dozen shopping carts.

"Yeah, I can't say this was on my to-do list either." He agreed. Lassiter had gone to check out a lead with Spencer at O'Hara's insistence. It had been the house of the elderly mother of the victim. Lassiter should have known something was up when the old lady had answered the door holding a giant butcher knife.

"_Can I help you gentlemen?" She asked in a nice gentle, grandmotherly voice. Lassiter flashed his badge._

"_I'm Head Detective Carlton Lassiter Santa Barbara Police Department. We're here to talk to you about your son, Adam Hornwell." He said. _

"_What about Adam?" She asked her eyes flickering with concern momentarily._

"_He was found drowned in his bathtub this morning." Lassiter told her, trying to sound apologetic. _

"_Drowned?" The old lady had repeated. "That can't be right." She stated. Lassiter glanced over at Spencer who was staring intently at the knife in the lady's hand._

"_Do you know of anyone that would have wanted to harm your son?" Lassiter had asked trying to get as much information from the lady as was possible. Shawn tugged on the sleeve of Lassiter's jacket. Lassiter shrugged him off, but he kept tugging. "Spencer, what is it?" He turned to hiss at the younger man. The last thing Lassiter remembered was Spencer's eyes going wide and then everything went black._

Lassiter was brought back to the present by Spencer trying to wiggle out of his restraints.

"Spencer, stop that!" Lassiter half yelled at him. Spencer stopped moving.

"Why? It's the only way we'll get out of here." He pointed out.

"Not if you roll us off the roof first." Lassiter said exasperated. He jerked his head to the side where there was a part of the roof that did not have a barrier around it. Shawn gulped as he saw the edge of the roof. He had noticed the reaction the old lady had when she received the news of her son's death 'That's not right' had been her response. As if she expected her son to be dead in some other fashion. That combined with the water soaked laundry Shawn had spied through the doorway had confirmed his suspicions, well really just aroused, the moment she used the handle of her knife to knock Lassiter unconscious had been the confirmation. "There's got to be a way out of this." Lassiter muttered trying to twist his head to see if his gun was up on the roof with him. Shawn tried to look too, but only succeeded in inching the carts closer to the edge. Lassiter froze. "God damn it, Spencer stop moving! I didn't wake up this morning to die by falling off the roof of the local CostCo." Shawn stopped moving.

"What did you wake up for?" He asked. "Lassie?" Shawn turned his head to look at the detective when he didn't answer right away. Lassiter was staring up at the sky. Shawn looked above them as well and saw a dozen or so seagulls flying overhead. The parking lot of the CostCo was near enough to the ocean that it attracted many of the sea birds on any given day. Lassiter hated seagulls. He had ever since he was six. They ruined anything and everything somebody could do at the beach. "Lassifrass?" Shawn asked again.

"Spencer, we need to get off this roof." Lassiter said, his normally steely tone replaced by one of near panic.

"I know Lassie, but how do you propose we do that-"

"I don't know, but I do not and can not be eaten alive by rats with wings." Lassiter's voice was close to hysterics.

"It'll be okay." Shawn reassured Lassiter, not feeling as confident as he hoped his voice sounded. "How can you be afraid of seagulls? You live five minutes away from the beach, that's like being born on the fourth of July and being afraid of fireworks." Lassiter glared of Shawn.

"I'm not afraid of them."

"Right, like you aren't afraid of being incased in a small plastic bubble with acid snow." Shawn replied sarcastically. Lassiter glared even more fiercely and for once Shawn was glad the detective's hands were taped to the carts. Otherwise he would have pushed Shawn off the edge. The seagulls were getting closer and Shawn heard a splat as something hit Lassiter on the face. It took all of Shawn's willpower not to laugh. The seagulls had perfect aim. They had hit Lassiter square between the eyes.

"Spencer, get your hand free and wipe that off my face." Lassiter demanded.

"You get your hand free," Shawn retorted. "I'm not touching that."

"Would you both just stop complaining!" O'Hara's voice asked as she came upon them on the roof. Both men stopped talking and raised their heads to see the junior detective standing with her gun out. McNab was behind her staring in shock. O'Hara pulled the tape off Shawn's arms and untied him. As soon as Lassiter realized O'Hara was untying Spencer first he started cursing at O'Hara.

"Damn it O'Hara, you're supposed to untie me first!" O'Hara rolled her eyes and then untied her partner. The moment Lassiter's hand was free he grabbed his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped off his face.

"Did you get that sadistic madwoman?" He snapped at O'Hara.

"Yes, we found her lurking around her son's apartment. We became suspicious when she had Shawn's phone in her pocket."

"How did you find us?" Shawn asked, rubbing his arms trying to regain circulation. O'Hara shrugged.

"Just some good old fashioned police work. After we found Mrs. Hornwell trying to break into her son's apartment. She let us know where you guys were and then the seagulls tipped us off a little bit." Lassiter looked back up at the sky and shivered.

"I need to go home and shower." He stated and headed for the access door.

"Watch out!" McNab warned, but it was too late. Lassiter walked under the flock and was pelted with more 'gifts' from above.

"Lassie?" Shawn asked as the detective froze up again.

"Shower," Lassiter muttered and left the roof. Shawn waited until he was out of sight and then busted up laughing. O'Hara lasted a little bit longer than that, but she couldn't help cracking a grin.

"I really want to know what happened when he was little….." McNab said trailing off. Shawn shook his head.

"I don't think he'd ever tell us, unless we set a seagull loose in his house."


End file.
